I have decided to write to you this friendly little letter in order to inform you of the imminent danger that you is in. As well as to reply to the various pieces of advice that you have pointed out to me in order to help me become a better person. Now I would like to point out that this letter is in no way an aggressive one nor a attack to your person. While from time to time you tend to piss me anger me, I have nothing against you. Also you may rest assured that if a time would come where I would chose to make a attack on you, I would do so face to face like a man. And not by a letter. This is merely a friendly piece of correspondence.
But let me get to the meat and potatoes of this letter. As you may have guessed, I have read your report on the various crimes, as you call, that I have committed since we have met and I would like to reply on them. And to point out that you is wrong and how. So let’s get started:
The first thing that you has accusu acuese acue blamed on me is the fact that I am a vigilante. I do not see this as a crime. Cause you see, let me tell you about a little thing called responsibility. See I am a strong and powerful individual. This is not me bragging, this is me simple stating a fact of life. but what I also know is that there is a lot of folks out there that, while they’s is good folk trying to live the best life that they can have, them is really weak and little. So when I see someone who believes he has a little bit of power, beat down on one of these people, I feel that it is my responsibility, as a powerful individual to kick the shit take down these asshol bad people. In order to protect the little folk. Now I know that we has guards for this and usually that is enough. But I also know that from time to time the guard are either incapable, too busy or too incompetent to help out the little folk. You should know this as you used to be one yourself before they kicked you out. So in short, I will not be changing this. When I see a bastard doing bastardy things, I will put them in their place as that is the thing a strong man or woman does, keeping the little ones safe.
The second thing that you blamed me for is assault and battery. But let me put your mind at ease. Nine out of ten times, these is legal self defense. For these is bastards that come at either me or my friends or my acquent people I know or random folks in the street. When that occurs I choose to kick their asses. Cause I finds it more important to keep the folks around me safe than it is to get beaten up while I wait and hope for guards to show up. So I will not be apologizing for this nor stop doing this in the future. As for the other 1 out of ten times. I never beat someone up without good reason. So in short they had it coming.
Now next you accused me of being a mercenary without a license and I must admit that this one pissed me of severely angered me. And this also brings me to the imminent danger that I warned you about in the beginning of my letter. See you Spade is getting into serious danger of becoming a prick and a bigot. Now this is not your fault, as I have seen it in many a young mercenary in my time and even fell victim to it myself before the boss set me straight. You’re young, you had a few successful jobs and now you feel untouchable and allperfect. And you assume that everyone who is not like you must be an idiot or incompetent. Now you might be saying that’s not true, that is not me. But it is mate. I mean just look, when we met a few months you was living in the racks in a humble quant little office that you earned through your own hard work. Helping out the simple folk with their simple problems. And what happens, a haughty no good spineless loathsome murderous extra crispy dickhead comes around and says, “Ow you sir are simple beneath my station. But fear not for I shall show my good graces and deem to bestow upon you a new dwelling so that you may present yourself with a bit more class in our dealings”, just imagine the hoity-toity, it really works for that jackass. and what do you do, without looking back you say; “Screw you guys, I’m moving up”. And you park your keester in the middle of downtown in your new bloodmoney bought office. Planting a tacky sign above that says “SPADE and ace (in little letters) Detective agencies”. Walking around town like a big man, too big for his britches. Looking down on us hard working folks trying to make something out of ourselves through our own hard work. For example, just because I run a one man operation, usually out of a tavern. You assume that I am simple a thug for hire. Well I resent that remark, for I am a true professional. A man with standards when it comes to the jobs that he takes or does not take. And who is completely complie in order with all the rules that come with being a professional mercenary. But it is not to late yet my friend as you is not a complete prick just yet, just a little one. I would recommend that you take a deep look at yourself, more importantly the man you was and the man that you has become and ask yourself what went wrong. And don’t worry, when you become a complete prick, I will be there to beat the prickness out of you, as any friend would. Cause that is what friends do for one and other.
Next you say that I have killed people. That is true, I have killed people and I will kill people in the future. But you may rest assured that all the folks that I have killed had it coming. For you see when folks try to kill me, I will kill them. This only proper as I am of the firm believe that only those who are prepared to be killed should be allowed to kill. Thus it would irresponsible for me not to kill those folk who tries to come after my life, my friends life or any folks life that is not a jackass. so no I will not stop killing people when they deserve it.
As for me owning a dangerous animal, that is a outright lie. All I have owned since I met you are two adorable little pussycats, a very cute little puppie and a awesome raven. Them is not dangerous as I am a responsible pet owner. Who makes sure that he has the proper means to take care of his pets. It is for instance that reason that I have not yet bought me a new pet as that would be irresponsible at this time. As for endangering that little kitty when we first met, I admit that I made a mistake. But when I learned of said mistake, I spend the entire night looking for her in order to set things right. As that was the responsible thing to do. After which I handed her over to someone who could take proper care of her. And no I did not in fact ask for money for this, so no I did not sell her.
Accepting a bribe. I must say that this is rich coming from you. The man who accepted the very office in which I am standing now from the sheep-shagging malodorous warped mongrel, whom we had just stopped from kidnapping 10 people, killing one and tormenting a poor defenseless teenage girl. Now I do not know what you is talking about, but I have no recollection of this. And before you start, yes I live in the same office, but my reason for this is as follows. See I decided to move in after you lot started shagging up together out of fear of that problem Spectre, my new nickname for Blue on account of his ghost arms, is dealing with. Now that made your place a prime target and you know me I’m a big softy when it comes to my friends. And this allowed me to keep an eye on you lot to keep you safe. Otherwise I would lose my sleep from worrying over you lot. If that was not the case, I would move out in a heartbeat. Also it worked out well, as it gives me a good excuse to keep a roof over Jed’s head until I complete my master plan.
Now when it comes to trespassing, I admit that I’m a bit confused about this. Do you mean the time when all of you sneaked into that butcher’s place while I waited outside. Only for you lot to get spotted and into a fight with him. Causing me to quickly burst in, in order to save your hides. Or one of the other times I joined you guys into going inside a place where we shouldn’t in order to get some info or find a target? I’m just asking you to be specific about these.
Destruction of property, same here could you be specific? Do you mean the butcher’s door that I kicked down in order to come save your asses when you got caught trespassing in said butcher’s shop? Or was something else? I’m genuinely asking here?
As for entry of a forbidden area designated by the Old Council. Can I point out here that you was with me in the black maze at all those times? In fact if memory serves, you’ve been down there more times than me. You know when you followed that shifty looking tiefling noble down to meet his god, on multiple occasions. And I’m just guessing here, but I don’t think you had permission for those times either.
Threatening the people of Himmin. I will have you know that I never threaten anyone who does not deserve it. The reason why I sometimes resort to this is, is in order to defuse a hostile situation. Cause most fight can be avoided if you make it clear that you is superior to them. Simple as that.
I reject you calling me a robber. I have never stolen anything to my knowledge. So if you are going to blame me, be more specific. As I am getting kind of tired of defending myself against these lies and slander.
Now the next is another of the things that blame me for that really piss me anger me greatly. Hunting of endangered species, as I am a great admirer of all kinds of animals. As I find that them has a more pure soul than most of the jackasses that we tend to meet. Now I’m guessing you mean the winter wolves that we met up on the mountain. You seem to have a strange way of remembering that fight. As when we was attacked by them, I desperately was trying to knock them out without dealing any lasting damage. Which I even managed to do with one of them. At the same time the rest, you included, was firing of bullets, fireballs and whatnot at the other one. Killing it. Now I respect that we was defending ourselves there and these things happen. But don’t you go blaming me for the crimes that you commit. Or else I will be forced to shove my boot so far up your ass that that you will be kissing my foot take offense to that. And you is right, afterwards I did sell the corpse of said wolf. This is cause every respectable hunter and such will tell you that when you kill a animal, it is your responsibility that nothing goes to waste. This is how we make sure to honor the loss of the animal. And that is what I did. Cause my morals, like my muscles, are very strong and grand.
Now as for desecration of a holy site and the dead. Again I am struggling to understand what you mean here. I’m guessing you mean when we hunted down the idiotic jester in the sewers and later that fallen temple. First of I would again like to point out that you was with me the entire step of the way and it feels kind of shifty that you is accusing me of it now. Secondly I would like to point out that it was Bull who went poking into that hole of corpses only to awake those undead. And thirdly, again you seem to have a strong opinion on things after they has happened. Don’t get me wrong, I also has strong morals and when I feel that we is doing something wrong then I will speak out at the time. Thus I would like to recommend that when you see us doing a crime in the future, you speak out at that time instead of afterwards.
But I am getting off track. Impersonation of a flesh golem, again I have no idea what you mean by that. I know that there was one bloke who insulted me like that and that still gets on my nerves. So I think, for your sake, that you is confused bout this. As I have never pretended to be a flesh golem.
Next as for public drunkenness. Okay I admit that this can happen on rare occasion, as I am only human. In my defense however, I normally try not to get to sauced when going out. Cause as you know I am very strong and as such I know that it is dangerous for me to lose control. Also I don’t really like not remembering what happened. So normally I keep an eye on this. But yeah, sometimes I make a mistake and you is right to call me out on it. So yeah you got this one right.
Surprisingly nothing, since when is having a slow day a crime?
What do you mean with stalking by the way? Bull’s the tracker not me. Is it not bad enough that you are already pinning your crimes on me? Please don’t go pinning everyone’s crimes on me now. As I am starting to fear that you resent me for something.
Damn, this list is still not done yet? I think I made a mistake. Right, what’s next? Illegal hunting of shadowfell creatures. Again you is mistaken here my friend. Them is undead shadowfell creatures that I am taking down in order to ultimately return them to their rightful owner. As there is no law in Himmin that prohabi prohobi outlaws the hunt for undead creatures and I am hired by their owner, I am not doing anything illegal.
Planar travel without a license. I have no recollection of the events in question. What I do know is that I was invited by a individual in order to discuss a job offer and she summoned me to her domain. Matters on the how and why was out of my control at the time.
I am not in possession of any stolen items. All items on my person are rightfully mine.
Now with the next point you made, namely employment by a extraplanar (non-good) diety, again I feel that as your senior in the noble profession of mercenary, and before you start yes a detective is just a specialized form of mercenary work, I must shed some light of wisdom upon you. See when I am approached by a potential client and I am not aware of any actions they have taken in the past that go against my morals, I am willing to show respect to them and hear them out. When they have explained the job for which they wish to hire me and again if said job does not go against my moral fiber and I feel confident that I am capable of completing said job, then I do not see any problems with accepting said job. Same in this case, she approached me and presented both herself and the job. As nothing went against my morals, I saw no need not to take it. Thus I would highly recommend to you Spade, to practice keeping a open mind in the future and to maybe remove the stick from your a.
The next one is another good one coming from you: Association with a criminal organization. Again I would like to ask you to stop blaming me for the crimes you decide to commit. It was you who hired us out that idiotic Jester’s gang the first time behind our backs. It was you who continued accepting jobs from them AFTER they placed a bounty on both me and firecracker, my nickname for Yanika. And it was you who accepted the bribe, namely your office, from that vain gold plated decaying murderous coward. And who still has regular dealings with him each Tuesday.
As you know I did not commandeer a skyship, sure that is the official explanation in order to make sure that all blame falls on me and not on poor Reirak. But you know damn well that I only asked him if he could give me a lift. As for ignoring Himmin air space restrictions, you was with me for that one. And afterwards I immediately went to the old council in order to turn myself in. so I don’t know what you is complaining about.
Next up in you overly long list is me not following a guards instructions. Can I point out here that he never told me not to jump out of the ship. Also I was not parachuting without a parachute. As I don’t know what a parachute is, so I cannot have done it. What I did do is simple jump out of a ship, which is not illegal, simple a bad idea when you is too high up to survive. As I survived with only minimal injuries, I can only assume that I was not to high up for it. Thus no foul.
Now next you accuse me of littering and releasing a powerful creature. Can I point out here that I simple followed your instructions on what to do when I wish to enter the temple. I presented offerings that held meaning to me. Sorry if they was not as fancy as what you did at the time, but they held value to me. The creature appeared and since the doors were open and I was in a hurry, I simple rushed in. as no one had said that I had to do so before entering when the doors were open. I do feel bad about putting poor Reirak though. No excuses there, I simple thought that he was safe up there but I was wrong. But rest assured that I am planning to make it up to him next time I have some time off.
Now I’m starting to sense a trend here as you yet again accuse me of a crime that you in fact commited and not me. It was you who followed the creepy tiefling down to meet his god, not me. It was you who accepted that mark, to my knowledge, sorry if I’m wrong. So again I would like to ask you not to blame me for your crimes.
I do not know what you mean with forgery, or with impersonating a noble. I simple chose to wear a disguise in order to prevent a situation where my sister might have spotted me as I had reasons to do so. As for public indecency, I will have you know that walking around without a shirt is not a crime as I have a strong no shirt policy when it comes to my outfit. Healthy muscles need sunlight after all. I merely chose to take off the dress I was wearing in favor of the pants that I was wearing underneath to prevent frog blood from staining it. So again I do not see what I did wrong here.
Again I resent you telling me I participated in torture. Bull decided to cut off that bloke's finger all on his own without us, you included, knowing bout it. As soon as we knew what he had done Firecracker and me both put down the line that torture is not ok.
Again we had this conversation, there is no law against the slaying of undead. No crime no foul.
Lastly I was following divine commandment as we was invited to go and attempt to retrieve the doc’s soul. Also firecracker informed me that death in Valhalla is like a common cold, so there is no problem. Nor did I destroy any of the property in Valhalla.
Now I do not really care for the next part of your letter if I am honest. Here I am asking sincerely for help when I was feeling a little bit down after dying and what do you do, try to use this as a means of pursuing your own agenda of recruiting me for your detective agency. Namely by making me feel even worse by summing up a bunch of crimes that for the most part were not crimes or not commited by me. And then stating that the only way I can get better is to join your operation. That is kind of messed up if you thinks about it. But as I do have some insight into your personality, I am convinced that in the end you truly wanted to help me out here. A quick suggestion, I would like to recommend that for the future, just some friendly advice here , when a friend comes asking for help, to leave your own goals out of it. As that can be seen as you taking advantage of said friend. Which I know you was not trying to do, or would knowingly do.
But you did help me find some insight into my problem and you did take the time for it. So I want to thank you for that. Rest assured that I will continue to help you out as both your friend and as a independent contractor. I will thus decline your offer of joining up. This cause of two reasons, one I like my professional indepented status. And two cause in my life there is only one person that I consider to being my boss. And the boss stays the boss, even when I left to find my own path in life. And said boss is not going to change anytime soon.
Sincerely your friend, Kayne
PS: sorry for sending you the draft, this letter became to long to quick and I did not feel like rewriting it. But don't worry I used a different color to crossout the bad stuff so it should be fine.